The Lost Writings

I wrote this well over a year ago and never finished it.....its time has come:

Well, another year has kicked off in paradise. This year i will not be teaching school. I will be dealing with a much more difficult group of humans known as "The Tourist". I will be working on a sailboat Calypso (a catamaran for those who know boats) doing daily charter trips. I will also sell trips on said boat and other boats in a small kiosk big enough for me to do nothing in. I take that back, i can sit in it.....and if i suck my chest in, there is just enough room to think in it. I feel as if it should have bars on the front, and children should come up and point that the big gorilla in his small cage. I would then throw fecal matter at them......Its not so much like trying to put a square peg in a round hole, but trying to put a round peg into a smaller round hole. This year will probably look very different than last year. I do however feel that working with "The Tourist" will give me plenty of things to write about. "The Tourist" is a very predictable animal, while at the same time being extremely very unpredictable. Let me clarify: I mean that we are constantly amazed and astounded at what they are capable of coming up with as far as their words and their actions. While on the boat, they will ask questions such as:

What is the altitude here? (Altitude according to common sense is the height above sea level) A: one more dumb question away from experiencing sea level first hand
"What holds the islands in place?" A: Anchors, lots of them
"Can you snorkel all the way under the island?" A: Depends on how long you can hold your breath

It is important to know what to expect from "The Tourist" as we already know a little bit about the nature of the beast. First and foremost, "The Tourist" will most assuredly refer to our lovely island as St. John's. This is incorrect, it is St. John, and no argument otherwise will be accepted from anyone at anytime. How will we differentiate "The Tourist" from "The Local"? The skin color of "The Tourist" will not be one solid color. It will consist of splotches of blinding whiteness and lashes of painful red. The ratio of one to the other, however, will vary from person to person. Like snowflakes, the burn pattern of no two "The Tourist" will ever be identical. These patterns are sometimes quite remarkable, and i'm sure i could put together a "coffee table" book full of images and descriptions. There is a second class of coloring i need to mention, although a much more minor class. There are two minority variations of the "The Tourist" that are one solid skin color.

#1. "The Shadow Tourist". They look as they are leaving as though they have never been in diret sunlight. There are some who will wear 3 inch thick wet suits, head to toe, the whole time they are in the water as if they were snorkeling in Canada during January. Others wear SPF 85 and reapply four times per hour. They will actually manage to go back paler than when they arrived. However, the score is Them 1, Skin Cancer 0.
#2. "The Perma-Tan Tourist". This variation has no tan lines whatsoever.....seriously. Nowhere. Sometimes they referred to as "the leatherback tourist".

Now some may think that they blend in with "The Local", as if one our own because of their perma-tan. This is simply not the case. First, all locals have tan lines. Second, locals don't drink $8 fruity drinks in collectible cups. Third, locals only wear jewelry made from shells and hemp.

Thats as far as i got, i had intended to do a whole series but instead i worked over 60 hours a week. I did in fact enjoy my job very much and had fun working with "The Tourist" as most of them do understand that islands do not float.

One day my friend....

...one day